there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Boobs speak an international language.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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