How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize