even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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