I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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