Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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