I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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