After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
me + whiskey = a bad person
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
