I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
