There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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