i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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