The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
