I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
