I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sober January is a disaster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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