also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize