I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
