It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
