My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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