My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
