Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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