My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
