the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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