remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
