then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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