I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
