I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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