I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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