got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
