Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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