When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
