dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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