i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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