my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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