Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
farters have to be the big spoon...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
