do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
