He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
