I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
