How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
