As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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