By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
