ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
