I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
