then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
