The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
