i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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