I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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