I want to have your abortion
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
