I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
