Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
