If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
