i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
