god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
