You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
