I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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