my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize