Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize