If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
