I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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